Gregg DesElms Snuffs It
#1
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Informed sources confirm that Gregg DesElms and his keyboard diarrhea have been permanently silenced, effective March of 2015.  The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, has flushed another loathsome turd down the heavenly porcelain convenience.  Apparently permanently planted in All Souls Catholic Cemetery in Vallejo, in case you want to stop by and leave a "remembrance" on his grave. 

Eloquent testimony to how little he was missed; it was a year before anybody even noticed the asshole was gone.  Praise the Lord, for His wonders never cease!  Better late than never, but about damn time.

Like a brown stain on a mattress, Elmer left us all something that time can't erase.  In the immortal words of Curtis Knight, “He’s not gone, he’s just dead.”  

Hey Elmer, hope you said hello to Janko and Israel on your descent to the Infernos of the Netherworld.  Not sure about the sentencing criteria in Hell, but Elmer’s earthly antics surely earned him a double eternity enhancement.  Write a book about that, you cunt.

Congratulations to whoever had Number Six in the NCTSI pool.  They’re starting to drop like flies now, so get your bets in.

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#2
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He was a very mean-spirited person...and a turncoat also
A.A Mole University
B.A London Institute of Applied Research
B.Sc Millard Fillmore
M.A International Institute for Advanced Studies
Ph.D London Institute of Applied Research
Ph.D Millard Fillmore
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#3
Oh my god, this is terrible, tragic news!  Since Janko kicked the bucket back in 2009 I’ve had 40 parachuting Asian hookers on retainer for just this very occasion!  You mean I missed his funeral and paid all that money for nothing?  Wow, now I know how Elmer felt when he dropped $40,000 on that “massage therapist” in Minnesota and only got a back rub.

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40 parachuting Asian hookers prepare for Gregg DesElms' funeral

Well, maybe not quite 40, but definitely a lot.  Or at least more than a couple.  Okay, and maybe they aren't Asian exactly either, but who can really tell when they're all strapped up in parachutes and crash helmets?  And yeah, alright, strictly speaking some of them are actually dudes, but do you think Elmer ever bothered to distinguish?
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#4
If you want to read something bizarre--even by the standards of Elmer--check his product reviews on Amazon.  Page after page after page of rambling, prolix, verbose nonsense about products like cell phone covers and dog urine detectors, most of which are under $20.  Then he gets to something you figure a fake preacher might want to sound off on, like a Bible Handbook, and it's like three sentences.  The last review was on October 31, 2014 (yup, Halloween), so that would seem to be right about the time when his trick-or-treating days began to wind down.

Also check his comments at the bottom of the article "Digital Assets Management: What Happens To Your Online Accounts After You Die."  He must have had an inkling his time was about up.  He's an expert, you know, *VERY* knowledgeable about everything in the world you can possibly imagine.  Except spelling and proofreading.

Elmer Wrote:It's all part of the sort of planning that everyone -- even young people -- should do... with the help of an attorney-at-law, of course. Only if you're as expert in this sort of thig [sic] as am I should you dare try to do it without the help of an attorney, and even then, I don't recommend it. I'm *VERY* knowledgeable about all of this, and can do all my own legal writing; yet even *I* run anything I do past my lawyer even if only for a quick look-over before finalizing and executing it.


I would expect that with that kind of a buildup Elmer left his "estate" in a total shambles.  I can imagine him lying on his death bed, with his beloved Mary-Anne at his side, looking into her eyes, telling her one last time that he loves her, and she whispers in his ear, "What passcode for ATM?  What bank you keep checking account?  Where safe deposit box key?  Tell me now or I turn off oxygen!"
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#5
(03-23-2016, 11:29 AM)Albert Hidel Wrote: Page after page after page of rambling, prolix, verbose nonsense...

Can you imagine the size of the headstone if Elmer wrote his own epitaph?

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#6
Check out Elmer's post down near the bottom of this discussion:

First public beta of Malwarebytes Anti-Malware 2.0 now available

Elmer shelled out for the “lifetime” Malwarebytes subscription--in 2014!   Big Grin

Elmer Wrote:Gregg DesElms February 1, 2014 at 5:49 am #  


Okay, I found, in the Malware Bytes forum posting, where the Lifetime license is going way starting with version 2; and that a $24.95/year subscription model will ensue.

Got it.

Mary-Anne already has one. And I'm virtually certain I had a lifetime license in an old company name, but I'll be darned if I can put my hands, right now, on the documentation. Doesn't matter: I just bought another one, this time in my personal name. I'll figure out the other license later. When I do, that'll be the one that goes on the notebook that's about to become our PCTV system.
 

On one hand, this tells you that Elmer didn’t know his ticket was about to get punched in a year.  On the other hand…wouldn’t be the first time he overpaid for services he didn’t receive.  At least it didn’t cost him $40,000 this time.   Big Grin  Big Grin  Big Grin  Big Grin  Big Grin  Big Grin  Big Grin
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#7
Man I am bummed. Another book that will never make to press.
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#8
Elmer's official causes of death, according to his Death Certificate:

A) Respiratory Failure

B) Aspiration Pneumonia

C) Malnutrition

D) Esophageal Cancer


.pdf   DesElmsDeathCertificate.pdf (Size: 1.33 MB / Downloads: 49)

Did anyone sense a disturbance in The Force when the bastard croaked on March 18, 2015 at 9:45 PM Pacific Time at Queen of the Valley Hospital in Napa, CA?  Nope, me neither. 

I was fully expecting the cause of death to be something more in keeping with his sleazy, whore-chasing lifestyle, such as HIV/AIDS. 

But esophageal cancer works too, especially since it undoubtedly was excruciatingly painful, more so with all those esophago-gastro-duodeno scopes. 

Wonder what the perv swallowed to catch that?  Didn't seem to hurt Rod Stewart any.  Or was it some of that Michael Douglas-style HPV?

And nothing says "irony" better than seeing a fat guy die from malnutrition.  

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#9
[Image: DesElmsFuneral.jpg]

Elmer’s significant other Mary-Anne, and his significant other-in-laws, mourning his death at All Souls Cemetery in Vallejo.  Wait a minute, they all look pretty damn happy about it all, don’t they?  Especially Uncle there on the right. Looks more like a celebration to me.  They probably are glad to be able to enjoy birthdays, confirmations, Heroes’ Day, Bonifacio Day and Christmas from now on without having to invite that annoying jerk and listen to his pompous babbling all day.
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#10
(03-24-2016, 05:28 PM)D00bie Wrote: Man I am bummed.  Another book that will never make to press.

That "I'm writing a book" line sure seems to be the mark of a charlatan, doesn't it?  Klempner is the only one who actually knows how to get his books published.  Of course, the first step in the process would seem to be to actually write a book, which probably stopped Elmer and Gollum in their tracks.  But doesn't Klempner give these budding "authors" helpful hints on how to do it?  Or maybe he better than anyone knows a fraud when he sees one.
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