“Amber Alerts” Inspire New “NAMBLA Alert! Monitoring System”
“Amber Alerts” Inspire New “NAMBLA Alert! Monitoring System”

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Longtime allies the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) announced a bold technological joint venture today that will enhance the ability of NAMBLA members to reach out to needy young boys on a local market basis.

The new NAMBLA Alert! wireless monitoring system uses cutting edge technology to beam users real-time data on local gatherings of young boys where “the presence of NAMBLA representatives might prove beneficial,” according to NAMBLA spokesman Peter Carter.

“As the enlightened among us recognize, young boys thoroughly enjoy– some might argue, require– the company of older, sweatier, hairier males,” continued Carter. “Even if they often need assistance recognizing this fact. The NAMBLA Alert system empowers the old to find the young in a timely, convenient manner. Now, I don’t want to get caught up in vague value judgments like ‘is it legal to have sex with an 8-year-old boy?’. That’s for our good friends in the 9th Circuit Court to decide. We are simply providing a public service.”

NAMBLA Alerts are available to members for a monthly fee, and use the latest in satellite technology to beam critical information to PDAs, cell phones, and other mobile devices. Carter does not shy away from the fact that his system is based on the wildly successful ‘Amber Alert’ program.

“Why try to reinvent the wheel?” he asked rhetorically. “‘Amber Alerts’ are extremely effective at helping to locate and recover missing children by beaming messages to large numbers of people. We plan on doing the exact same thing. Except after we locate them, we are going to have sex with them.”

One dues-paying NAMBLA member is already a believer.

“My job requires quite a bit of travel,” said Chester Hunsacker. “And it can be so hard to find unsupervised boys when you’re in a strange town. You can only cruise the local parks and ice cream stands so many times before people start looking at you like your some kind of creep. The new NAMBLA Alert system enables me to drastically reduce my “trolling” time without being made to feel like a lecher by ‘concerned parents.’”

Other key features:
  • trench coat pocket compatible

  • plays a full range of children’s cartoons

  • LCD Display made from space-age polymers– easy to clean and extremely resistant to milkshake spills, Jolly Rancher smudge-marks, and three of four major body fluids

  • a variety of ring tones including: a whimpering puppy, the Nintendo Wii start-up music, and the very popular “Barry Bonds Ring Tone” which includes the baseball great uttering such catchphrases as, “Psst. Hey boys, it’s me, future Hall of Fame baseball player Barry Bonds. I’m stuck in the trunk of this rental car. Just hop in the front seat with this nice gentleman and we’ll all go out for ice cream.“(*Note: Barry Bonds ring tone only available with the “Executive” model)

  • one-touch access to the ACLU’s 24-hour free legal defense hot line

  • “risk level” monitoring which can correctly gauge the level of adult supervision at a children’s event to within one chaperon

  • Daily “Coaxing Tips” designed to thwart the Nazi-like protection efforts of local law enforcements

The NAMBLA Alert Monitoring System is available at the ACLU and NAMBLA websites, and also via a fleet of vans with blackout-tinted windows at a playground near you.

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