Who's Your Daddy?

[Don Dresden]

...And is he rich?  

If so, many a vaunted RA school becomes an instant diploma mill.  At least diploma mills whore out on an equal opportunity basis.  These RA schools only put out for the offspring of the rich and famous.

Latest RA whore on the take: NEASC-accredited Wesleyan University in Middleton, CT.  What's a little shoplifting when daddy can fund a performing arts center?  Caught in the act by Radar:

Call to Wesleyan University admissions office on behalf of Jake Quiznos, an imaginary sub sandwich scion:

This is John Taylor. Thanks for getting back to me.
So, I wanted to talk to you about Mr. Quiznos' visit.

I don't know what [REDACTED] told you ...
She mentioned his son's desire to speak with a student who has a high-name visibility?

Yes, to gauge how he's handled that.
I can try to arrange that, but once most of our students are here, the name thing doesn't really matter much. What are some of his academic interests?

I think poetry. He's had a somewhat difficult time adjusting to his father's celebrity, and I think he works it out through poetry.
Right. Does he play a sport? Does he play music?

Not really. He doesn't do too much in terms of extracurriculars. He's latched onto the poetry thing in the last year or so.
And which high school does he attend?

He's at Beverly Hills High. But he's had some issues there. He's moved around schools before.
Okay. I'm assuming that Jake and his father will do an info session and then the tour?

I don't know if [REDACTED] told you, but Mr. Quiznos travels with a bodyguard at all times. I think he's concerned about that being conspicuous on a tour.
I handle VIPs that come to visit, so I can usually give them a tour myself. We can avoid the crowd and have him being seen with a bodyguard.

Are there any other VIP options I could relate back to Mr. Quiznos?
Well, it would just be me handling their day. So whether it's a private info session just with the two of them—with the info session, it gets pretty crowded, so they could sit in the back and they wouldn't stand out. When Mr. Spielberg came to visit, I gave him the tour myself. We handle it very discreetly. In terms of sitting in a class, I can find things for Mr. Quiznos to do while Jake does his own thing, unless he wants to meet with a few faculty members and not really do the whole "sit in on a class" while he's here.

Mr. Quiznos has a bit of agoraphobia—he doesn't like being in large spaces with a lot of people. So I think the auditorium thing might not work out, but certainly if you can arrange any one-on-one meetings with professors, I think they'd both enjoy that.
So Jake has the issues, or Mr. Quiznos?

Mr. Quiznos does, but he wants to go along with Jake and keep an eye on him, make sure he's behaving himself. And also to learn more about the school as well.
So you're talking mostly poetry and creative writing?

More poetry than anything else. Are there any big poets at Wesleyan he could meet?
There are some who teach poetry. [REDACTED] is the [REDACTED ENGLISH PROFESSOR TITLE], and she's very good at that. She can tell Jake a little about that. Depending on the day he visits, I can see if Mike Roth, our president, is available.

If that were the case, how much time would he be able to get with the president?
Mike likes to spend about 20 to 30 minutes with a student and a parent. He's very good—he's lived in L.A. before, he's a faculty member himself. He was at the Getty Museum as a senior researcher and he was president of the California College of the Arts.

Oh, Mr. Quiznos is a big fan of the arts. He donated the Quiznos Performing Arts Center in Minneapolis and is interested in any artistic support, so they'd have plenty to talk about.
And I think Mike would really appreciate speaking about that. The question will be about lunch, and whether Mr. Quiznos wants to sit in on the lunch with Jake, or have his own private lunch, if I arrange for Jake to have lunch with a student.

You're talking about the student with a well-known parent?
Yeah, I can do that discreetly and see if someone would be willing to do that.

Yeah, I think probably Mr. Quiznos could let Jake handle it on his own. The only issue would be some dietary restrictions. And you don't have a Subway on campus, do you—that's the only specific issue related to them.
No, we don't.

Good, it's the sort of thing that would bother him.
We have a student dining facility. What are some of Jake's dietary restrictions?

No gluten, no dairy, no peanuts. He's a vegan as well. But I know Wesleyan has a lot of vegan and vegetarian students.
Right. I think he could find something to eat at the campus center. If they were to have separate lunches, is there anyone in particular Mr. Quiznos would like to have lunch with?

If he could meet another dean, or whoever else is high up on the list there. He's very interested in higher education, and on this tour we're trying to get him to meet as many presidents and deans as possible.
Okay.

Mr. Quiznos is also interested in having Jake meet some extraordinary students. He's into the idea of Jake seeing role models—maybe a student-body president, or a star athlete. Might that be available to be set up?
Sure, we can easily do that. I can find a dynamic student for him to have coffee or tea with.

Is there anything else you could tell me—maybe what you did with Spielberg—that I could report back to Mr. Quiznos?
This is the kind of school where students can go to find themselves. It doesn't matter who you are once you're here. So if you're looking for some anonymity, the students don't care what your background is.

So his last name won't matter once he's there?
No. If he wants to make it matter, then it's up to him, but for most students—we do have affluent families who are here, and half the time you can't single them out. We're not that kind of school. We have many affluent students who don't even have a car on campus, even though they could. It's one of those places where students are very conscious about the influences of wealth, and they don't want that to be a factor to their college experience here. We're very well known as a campus where you don't know who's who, because students don't care. If he's looking for some anonymity, he could probably find it here.

Jake's had some emotional troubles throughout his life because of his last name, and I think Mr. Quiznos would appreciate knowing that, once he's there, he'll be treated like everyone, and there's not going to be any special gratuity extended to him because of his last name.
Yeah, and the faculty doesn't care about these things. They care about what your intellect is and what you're making of yourself. You don't have a choice of what family you're born into, and people are cognizant of that here. I think he'll get a glimpse of that when he comes here.

His SAT scores are a bit lower than the median there. You don't have a minimum cutoff, do you?
We don't. It depends on what he or she can bring to the class.

A 1,620 out of 2,400. It's a bit below the median, and his grades have been uneven throughout his high school career. And the other serious thing is, he had some shoplifting issues about a year and a half ago that haven't come up since then, but they were over the course of several months. Is it worth his applying—the low grades, the low SATs, the shoplifting, do those things disqualify him from the start?
I don't think they necessarily disqualify him off the bat. Is this someone who's able to show redemption? The admissions process is a very holistic process. We look at you from your grades to your recommendations to what you've shown that you're capable of doing. We don't see it as a one-factor kind of thing. If you want to say, "I want a second chance to prove that I'm a better person than what my records show," then I think they're willing to look at you in that sense and say, "Okay, we're gonna give you this chance."

I know most of his poetry centers around that. Is that an indication of someone trying to get better to you, and might even be worth using in his application—his shoplifting poetry?
Right. I wouldn't even spend too much time on that now until he sees the school. It shouldn't be what's stressing him now. It should be what top schools he wants to apply to. His application would have to show redemption and remorse and say he really wants to take that next step in life. We can certainly talk about that more during, since it'll be a private tour.

He doesn't talk about it much—he's in therapy, but it's mostly in his poetry. You mentioned the English professor earlier. Might he be able to fax her some of his poems beforehand and then meet up with her to discuss them?
Sure, sure. You can send everything to me and I can make sure she gets them, or you can send them directly to her. If he'd like to share that with her, he can certainly do that.

Great. I think he's been looking for a mentor figure for his poetry, and like I said, it's pretty much exclusively about the shoplifting incidents and what that means to him.
That makes sense. Well, I think I have everything. If you can give me a date next week, we can go back and forth and put something together.

Thanks very much.

[ham]

I remember old comedy movies in which college student is turned down, but when rich daddy finances some building or prize or chair, they even give him a private parking lot with a brass plate.
Equality is meant only to make privilege sweeter.

[Herbert Spencer]

Is it worth his applying—the low grades, the low SATs, the shoplifting, do those things disqualify him from the start?
I don't think they necessarily disqualify him off the bat. Is this someone who's able to show redemption? The admissions process is a very holistic process. We look at you from your grades to your recommendations to what you've shown that you're capable of doing. We don't see it as a one-factor kind of thing. If you want to say, "I want a second chance to prove that I'm a better person than what my records show," then I think they're willing to look at you in that sense and say, "Okay, we're gonna give you this chance."

If Groucho Marx ran a university:

Say the secret word and get a college degree.  Tonight the secret word is "redemption."  (Secret word must be accompanied by a check or money order.)

Oh wait, that's right, he did run a university...